I met my husband almost two years ago through a chat-site and must admit he caught me by surprise. Recently divorced and happily single in my early thirties, I wasn’t looking for anything more than someone to chat with in between the adverts of my favourite TV shows! But alas – life had other plans and I fell in love with his heart – something I had yet to do ‘till then. Usually going for looks first. That didn’t work out too well for me – so I was open for new ideas.
I was intrigued by the idea of dating a man with children - never having had a child of my own, or ever dating a man with children. Not knowing myself in a relationship where there are children involved, and wondering what it would bring out in my character. But effect me it surely did!!!
I met my boyfriend’s energetic overweight 5 yr old daughter on our third date. Loving, and caring, but used to getting her own way and doing anything she wants. I soon realised this was the way my then-boyfriend thought too. Not thinking twice about going into my fridge and taking the last piece of sliced ham, or finishing the chocolate bar I wanted to save for a rainy day! Those first few months were stormy to say the least! I had to teach him boundaries, and he slowly taught these lessons to his little princess too. Let me just add this to their favour – his ex-wife turned to drugs due to a long-suffering depression shortly after the birth of their daughter, and she was therefore never emotionally available to either of them. He raised his daughter on his own – doing the best a single dad can do – while having a full-time job and doing extra wood-work after-hours to pay for the bills. While his ex-wife stayed (to this day) in rehab. So I excused their lack of “manners” and took it upon myself to show them the light. J
We got married at my local church followed by a small reception about a year later. Receiving the approval of all my friends and family, life started as a newly married step-mother. I was a bit apprehensive and very unsure of myself, not being used to children around me. Luckily for me, my husband is very understanding and promised to guide me through the process. As he was used to the daily routine he had with Madeline, he was the teacher, and I the student. But I soon realised the teacher lacked much in female guidance, healthy nutrition and basic discipline; I slowly found my place in the new household.
History lesson over. Now the juicier stuff. I’ve had so many shocks and surprises with my step-daughter over the past year, that I thought it must be shared with the masses! And just as I thought I’ve seen it all, something new happens….
Like yesterday morning. Madeline is now 7yrs old and in grade 1. Extremely demanding and very manipulative. But on the other hand also a sweetheart who loves to laugh and loves to love. I am one of the few lucky step-mothers who “inherited” a loving step-daughter. She enjoys giving hugs and snuggles up to you while watching television. She often does something out of the blue like give me a flower she picked in the garden, or wipes the coffee-table without me asking so that I can “rest a bit”. But, life is not only sunshine and roses. Let me tell you: this little girl has a WILL! And believe you me, not just any will, a STRONG WILL! I can kind of understand why: she was the “woman” in the house for a long time, before I stepped in. So she got used to telling her daddy what must be done, and how she wants it done. Daddy being a daddy, did whatever she wanted – because a happy child is a healthy child – right? Wrong.
I’m babbling too much. Let’s get to the most recent incident. Lunches are packed in the evenings, to save time in the mornings. It is done by either me or my husband – depending on who’s free. Madeline stays in the after-school-care class, until I pick her up after work. Her school-lunch box looks as follows: One sandwich, a small packet of crisps or mini-cheddars, a small packet of jelly tots or candy, a fruit-drink or a fruit and a small tub of yogurt. Then for after-school she gets a packet of 2-minute-noodles or a packet of instant-soup. My husband gets two sandwiches. And I pack for myself one sandwich each day. Trues bob!
I decided on Sunday-night to put a packet of crisps in for my husband (he loves them, but rarely gets any) and packed the usual for Madeline, including a packet of mini-cheddars. On Monday morning, as she opens the fridge to put her lunch-boxes (she has two) in her school-bag, she notices the packet of crisps I put in for daddy, and immediately opened her lunch-box to see what she got. When she noticed she had cheddars, she asked me: “How come daddy gets crisps and I no?”. So I told her that she got cheddars. But she wasn’t satisfied with the answer – she doesn’t want cheddars, she wants crisps. I told her: “Honey, you can then put the cheddars away in the cupboard, but you are not going to get crisps.” My husband – being the soft hearted man he is, said that he will swap with her. But my decision was final, and he knows me now well-enough not to interfere once I’ve put my foot down. By this time Madeline was crying and screaming: she wants crisps! My husband kissed us goodbye and got ready to leave for work. Madeline tried to persuade her father again, but the answer was still “no”. She got in the car with me (I also take her to school in the mornings) still crying and moaning about the crisps. I asked her to put her safety belt on – she refused. Finally screaming: “I always get crisps on Mondays and Fridays!!” This off-course was not true. So I asked her who made that decision? And she then really screamed at the top of her lungs “I did!!!” I asked her again to put her safety belt on, already being half-way to school. She refused again. So I had to pull down next to the road, and put it on for her. By then I reached my limit of self-control, and was so upset I couldn’t see straight. With clenched teeth and I’m sure a very red face, I promised her a hiding when she gets home from school that afternoon. She was quiet after that.
My whole day was miserable and I dreaded picking her up at school that afternoon. Not knowing what to expect next. I spoke with my husband during the day and the discipline strategy was discussed and decided.
That afternoon, when I picked her up at school, she was calm and delightful. Told me when she saw me: “I was very naughty this morning, I know. But I don’t know why I was so naughty or why I behaved like that.” My heart melted, but I knew that we still needed to discipline her for her very bad behaviour.
At home, we had a long chat with her, and she got four hidings. I also decided that for the next two days, she will only get two sandwiches to school. The same that daddy takes to work every day. No crisps or cheddars or candy or noodles. Just two sandwiches. Because – as we explained to her - she needs to learn that what we pack in for her for school must be appreciated. It is not a right – it is a favour – born out of love.
She was quite shocked when she opened the fridge this morning, and only two sandwiches sat in her lunch-box. Asking me: “Did you really only put two sandwiches in for me?” Yep, this step-mother did. But I did tell her she can get some strawberries after school, at home. She loves strawberries.
Let’s see what happens next. My husband is due to leave for a job-assignment for 3 days!
Lord help me.
